The Lost
by Isis FG
Summary: B/A fic - post-Becoming AU. Not s3 rewrite. INCOMPLETE, MOST LIKELY WILL NOT BE FINISHED!
1. Part 1 Losing yourself

Title: The Lost

Author:  Isis Blue

Feedback:  Always appreciated.  Please, no flames, don't blame me if you read a story you don't like because of the ship, or general storyline.  Constructive criticism, however, or endless words of praise are very welcome ;)

Disclaimer:  If I were Joss, people would be happy, not indulging in puke worthy infatuations and lame storylines.  Does that answer your question???

Rating: R, for adult themes (drugs, sex, etc)

Pairing: B/A (major pair), but also W/O, X/C

Summary:  This is basically my own take on post-Becoming BTVS, how I would have done things.  Its not a rewrite of Season 3, just what happened to get everyone back together, and since it's my story I can have it end up however I please :)

Warnings: if you don't like the Buffy/Angel pairing, DON'T READ...this also deals with a major character being, uhhh, majorly f**ked up, I guess that's sums it up.  So don't read if you hate that idea, or tell me that something like that is completely absurd, its my fic, I write what I want.

Author's note: Sometimes I like this fic when I reread it, sometimes I don't

**********************

Part 1

Inside the dark, dusty mansion all was still as it had been for the past 4 months.  Ever since the epic battle that had sent the re-ensouled vampire to the realm of darkness and emotionally crimpled the once brilliant slayer.  Nothing had been the same since that terrible day.  But no one really knew what had happened.  The day after, the remnants of the battle were clearly visible but the combatants were not.  The Slayer and her Angel had vanished from the face of the earth leaving their friends and loved ones behind.  They did not know what to think or if they would ever see their beloved Buffy again, but they hoped that one day she might return to them.

*********

The music inside the club pounded loudly as a myriad of teens, young adults, and wishful older ones slithered back and forth across the checkered floor.  Bright colored lights flashed on and off and fog machines created an opaque haze the tangled itself amongst the writhing, sweaty bodies.  In the center of the room a young girl danced voraciously to the relentless beat of the music.  Her chin length, bleach blonde hair bobbed with every movement of her scantily clad body.  Several young men were vying for her attention their hands roaming over her abundant bare skin.  Occasionally a hand slid up under her turqouise halter top or down over her purple leather mini-skirt.  She did not mind, however, and seemed to only grind herself harder into the offending male.  Just as she has done almost every night since she arrived in the City of Angels...Los Angeles.  

***********

Inside the noisy lobby of the high school, the young red-headed wannabe witch sat staring at her biology book.  Life just hadn't been the same.  The excitement, the danger, the fun that had driver her life, up until a few months ago, for the last year and half had vanished.  In its place there was only somber reminders that she was gone.  Giles missed her the most, though.  He'd never said it but she could tell.  And Xander, even though he was still going out with Cordelia, he was crushed by Buffy's disappearance.  None of them knew whether to be worried, or scared, or angry that she had just left them like this, that is of course assuming she wasn't...

"Hey Will, how's the studying going?" questioned the dark haired male now sitting next to her.

"Huh?  Oh, its going good.  I just love those paramecium," Willow replied half heartedly.

"Dull much?" exclaimed the dark haired beauty sitting next to Xander.

"Yup, that's me, I'm just the life of the party," mocked Willow.

"Good morning all, I wonder if we might have a meeting sometime today to discuss, uh, business," stated the ever proper librarian.

"Sure G-man.  Anything life threatening or just your run of the mill vicious killer?" asked Xander.

"I don't think its anything terribly important but worth looking into none the less...and please refrain from calling me that," responded the Brit in mock anger.

"Ok, we'll be by 6th period.  Catch ya later Giles," said Willow as the 3 teens got up and headed to class.

*********

As mid-day approached the once bright day began to dull as dark clouds inched their way across the sky.  A warm westerly wind menaced its way down toward the oft-afflicted town.  The light drizzle that fell was quickly turned into a dreary fog that hung in the air like a deflating balloon.  Outside the mansion the wind blew fiercly attempting to gain entry into the boarded up relic.  A stale smell, a mixture of dust, decaying leaves....and something else, eminated from every gust of wind.  The weak doors of the old building bulged inwards as the winds pounded relentlessly.  Then, as if punched open by two large fists, the doors swung inwards giving entry to the storm that raged outside.  The main room of the mansion was soon encased in the thick fog, seemingly untouched by the winds that blew around it.  In the center of the room the fog began to swirl in upon itself.  Within minutes a whirlpool of misty haze had engulfed the entire room and at the center of the whirlpool a speck of blue light shone brightly.  A loud clap of thunder rattled the few remaining artifacts in the room as the whirlpool began to spin faster.  Another loud rumble followed.  The blue light began to shift colors and slowly grow in size.  A flash of light dashed down into the room as a bolt of lightning struck the gleaming light.  The room glowed intensely so that if anyone had been present they would have been temporarily blinded.  But just as quickly as the bolt had struck it was gone taking with it the whirlpool of mist and the stale stench.  The room appeared as if nothing had happened.  Except in the center of the room, just below where the light had been, lay a broken, and bruised naked body.

**********

Inside room 12 of the sleazy Home Sweet Home motel slept the once proud Slayer.  It was just about noon so it was not unusual for her to still be sleeping considering she partied hard night after night.  As the second hand of the clock reached the twelve signaling the arrival of the 12:00 hour the sleeping girl suddenly jerked awake in her bed.  She sat up rubbing her throbbing head, a reminder of all that she had done the night before.  A blank look was painted across her face.  A queasy feeling had set over her, different than the typical ones she received from coming down.  Something felt weird.  Something she couldn't quite figure out.  And it had been a while since she'd been woken out of a dead sleep by tormenting dreams.  Turning toward the nightstand she grabbed a small container and tapped a white pill into the palm of her hand.  With a glance to the soundly sleeping male next to her she told herself it was probably just a side effect of whatever the guy, her latest conquest, had given her last night and popped the pill into her mouth.

************

The darkened hallways of Sunnydale High were littered with giddy students.  The sudden storm had knocked the power out causing the school officials to cancel the rest of the school day.  Students wandered around chatting happily about missing the rest of the day.  Xander, Willow, Cordelia and Oz slowly made their way to the library.  The place where they seemed to spend and obscene amount of time.  The four friends chatted somberly about various things going on, not really caring about the words being spoken just that they were doing something to keep themselves occupied.   They arrived at the library to find Giles sitting at the wooden table trying to read a book by candlelight.

"Gee, not even a power outage can stop the book man," quipped Xander.

"Very funny Xander, but there's work to be done regardless of out current lack of illumination," Giles replied sardonically.

"So what's up Giles?" questioned Willow.

"Well, since Jenny's, Miss Calendar's, uh...well, since then I've been keeping an eye on her email.  She had a lot of sources around the world who passed on information to her.  One of them, a Brother Luca, had given her information regarding the Master's rise so I felt it imperative to keep an eye open for pertinent information.  He recently send out and email that said 'The mouth will open in a roaring rage.  Darkness will follow and the balance will be restored.'  That's why you find me sitting here going through the books.  I have no idea what this message means or if it means anything important at all, but I feel it bears worth looking into," explained Giles as he took off his glasses in order to clean them.

"So many words.  Couldn't you just say 'I got this message, we need to find out what it means'?" Xander asked.

"It was a perfectly good explanation.  I don't see anything wrong with it.  Do any of you?" Giles questioned.

"I have to go with Xander on this one.  It was a bit to British," said Oz stoically.

"Fine, fine...Here's the message, let's get started," said Giles, defeated.

************

"This is boring.  I'm tired.  Are we done yet?" asked Cordelia obnoxiously.

"Cordelia, we haven't even found anything yet," remarked Willow.

"What is there to figure out?  Some mouth is going to open, something bad is going to come out, but in the end it's all good because balance will be back to normal or whatever," explained the cheerleader.

"Yes, Cordelia, that's what will happen, but it would be immensely helpful to know what mouth was opening, what demon was coming out, and how the balance is restored.  We have yet to decipher the answer to any of these questions," responded Giles.

"I think Cordelia's right.  Well half right.  We're all tired, I think we should go home and get some sleep," stated Oz noticing the surprised looks around him at his rare interjection.

"Very well, I'll see you all tomorrow then.  Goodnight and be careful," sighed Giles.

***********************

"Do you want me to come in?" asked Oz with a stroke down the back of his girlfriend's hair.

"No, I'll only be a minute," answered Willow sadly.

Oz watched the red head, his heart breaking, as she entered the old mansion.  He'd been bringing here every so often since it happened.  She always said it was because she just wanted to check on the place, make sure Acathla hadn't been disturbed or that any new vamps had taken up in the place.  But he knew better.  He knew that she was hoping one day to walk in there and find Buffy waiting.  The silently hopeful look on her face gave it all away.  She didn't talk about it much but Oz knew that she missed her female companion terribly.  Even more so with all the new things going on in her life.  He was one of those things.  She'd never had a boyfriend before and he knew that it scared her and that having Buffy there to comfort her was what she needed.  So he continued to bring her to the old house.  He didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd probably never find Buffy there.


	2. Part 2 Unexpected findings

Part 2

Buffy stared at herself in the dingy, cracked mirror that hung in her bathroom.  The reflection that glared back at her hardly resembled the girl that she once was.  Her hair surely looked different, but her face had also gotten a lot thinner and no matter how hard she tried it was impossible to hide the dark circles under her sunken eyes.  Once she finished applying a heavy coat of make-up she checked her appearance out in the mirror.  The skin-tight blood red halter matched her lipstick perfectly.  She thought to herself that she looked pretty damn good.  The queasy feeling from earlier had still not passed but she decided to blame it on a cold or the flu.  She turned slightly to  check her back half.  Her eyes wandered across the mirror looking for any sign of imperfection.  They stopped and stared at the mark on her right shoulder.  She slowly slid her fingers across the angel wings that permanently adorned her soft skin.  They were always there to remind her.  She could never forget.  She could never forgive herself.

***************

Willow entered the dusty old building trepidly, trying to quell the hope that she had inside.  She wanted so badly to walk in and find her missing-in-action best friend.  It hadn't happened yet in all the times she'd been there but she continued anyway.  Deep down she knew that it would never happen but hope kept her from ceasing the occasional visits.  She also always prayed that she would find some clue that they had all missed before that would give them some idea as to what had happened that terrible night.

Cautiously she stepped into the main room, the room they had assumed the battle had taken place in.  A quick glance around squashed her hope that Buffy was there.  She walked into the room further just to make sure but still found nothing.  Disappointment overwhelmed her as she closed her eyes, trying not to cry.  As she stood there trying to gather herself she became aware that the room felt different than it had on her many precious trips.   The air felt different.  It felt cinged.  And something else.  Her eyes flew open at the small sound she heard coming from the far corner of the room.  Willow squinted and tried to see what was there.  It was probably just a mouse, but she couldn't really tell.  Slowly she inched her way just a little closer.  Then, as if magically, the clouds in the sky parted allowing a beam of moonlight to shine into the room illuminating just the spot she was trying to see.  A slight gasp escaped her lips as there, 10 feet in front of her, cowering in the corner was a badly beaten and broken Angel.

The small noise that had eminated from her caused the vampire to turn his head slightly so that he was looking almost right at her.  Fear racked every part of her and instinct told her to turn and run, but her body betrayed her.  She stood there, mouth agape, staring at the figure before her.  Thoughts raced through her mind endlessly.  Angelus was back.  And she was just standing there. She was sure that death was to immediately follow.  But she still stood there.  The brightness of the moonlight increased casting a yellow glow upon his face.  The face of her best friend's one time love, the face of her one time friend, and the face of a beast who had killed and tortured people that she loved.  Something struck her, though, about the face that was peering back at her.  She looked into his eyes and saw not the dark pools of the vicious killer that had tormented her sleep but in their place were eyes filled with fear, sadness,...and love.  Confusion filled her mind at the strange sight.  Until she realized what it meant…the curse.  She was not looking at Angelus, she was looking at Angel.

They continued to watch each other for what seemed like hours but had really only been a few minutes.  Both were lost in the sight presented before them.  It was until Willow heard her name being called out that she snapped out of her daze.

"Willow, where are you?" Oz shouted.

The loud sound caused Angel to jump and press himself further into the corner.

"There you are. I was afraid someth-," Oz stopped abruptly when he saw the look on Willow's face.  "What's wrong," he asked worriedly.

Without answering Willow stepped out of the sight line so that Oz could see what it was that had stolen her ability to speak.

"Oh my god!  Willow, we have to get out of her!  Quick!" Oz said frantically as he went to grab his girlfriend's arm.

"No, Oz, its Angel, not Angelus," said Willow finally finding the words again.

"What?  How?" Oz replied warily.

"I don't know.  But I can see it in his eyes.  That's Angel," Willow said softly.

"I think we should get out of here Will, we can't be sure of anything," stated Oz but he could also sense that this was not the beast who'd stalked them.  And something told him that his Willow was not just going to walk away.  Not if it meant getting some answers.  He still worried though.

"Angel?" spoke Willow taking a few steps toward the shaking body.

The vampire turned his head back to look at the girl in front of him.  He opened his mouth as if to speak but found that he could not do it.  He could only look at her and stare.  The look, though, told Willow more than enough.  She could see that he recognized her but also that he was deathly terrified and badly injured.  She reached out to touch his should but he pulled away and turned his head back into the corner.

Willow turned and looked at her boyfriend, tears forming in her eyes.  "We need to get Giles, now."

Turning back to the cowering vampire she spoke again.  "Angel, look at me, please.  We have to go but we will be back.  Will you please stay here and wait for us" I promise we'll be back."

After the vampire shook his head ever so slightly in agreement the red haired girl and her werewolf boyfriend slowly walked out of the mansion still in shock over what they had just been witness to.  The entirety of the situation had yet to settle into the minds.

******************

Oz's van pulled up outside Sunnydale High both of its occupants to stunned to talk to each other.  They had checked Giles' apartment but he hadn't been there so they assumed he was still at the library researching.  Willow's head had not stopped spinning since leaving the mansion.  She didn't know whether to be happy that Angel had returned or to be spewing hatred because of all that his alternate personality had done.  She knew that she should despise him but she couldn't seem to force herself to feel that way.  Yes, Angel had done some truly horrible things but at the same time that hadn't really been Angel.  How could she blame him for things he had no control over.  And if being nice to him and helping him meant finding out what happened to Buffy then she certainly planned on doing just that.

"Willow, we should go in and talk to Giles," Oz said softly.

"I know.  He's not going to take this well," replied Willow, her voice shaky.

Slowly the two almost-lovers made their way out of the van and into the school.  Oz grabbed a flashlight out of the back of the van to aide them in getting to the library.  The storm had done serious damage to some important power generator and was going to take a few days to fix leaving Sunnydale in a virtual blackout.  Thankfully,  the storms clouds had finally receded allowing the moon to cast a hint of yellow all around them.  Ever mindful of the dangers that presented themselves in Sunnydale, they made their way cautiously into the school.  Both knew that informing their friend and leader that the creature bearing the same facade as the vicious animal that had killed his love had returned was going to be extremely tough.  His first instinct would be to exact revenge on the demon and part of them knew he had every right but they also realized that it would do nothing to help them.

***********************

Rupert Giles sat slouched in the chair rubbing his temples.  He'd been through hoards of books and had yet to find anything at all hinting at the possible danger he and his troops were about to face.  It just didn't make any sense to him.  The Hellmouth had been relatively quiet since the night he lost his Slayer.  That was something he was more than just a little grateful for.  The others had done remarkably well filling in for Buffy but they weren't able or prepared to fight something big and powerful.  It was that fact that scared him most about the email message.  Whatever evil was coming they were not going to be able to fight or at least fight and win.  Yet he still hoped that he could find some information regarding the message that would give them some glimmer of hope.  So he forced himself to return his gaze to the mass of written word spread out before him.  At the sound of the library doors opening and closing he looked up to find Willow and Oz standing before him both looking pale and wide-eyed.

"Willow, Oz, what are you doing....What's wrong?" Giles questioned rushing over to them once he had seen the looks on their faces.

"Uhh...well...," was all that Willow could stammer out.

"Are you okay?  Are you hurt?" demanded Giles.

"We're fine, just...uh...well we have something that we need to tell you," Oz stated with more emotion than he typically expressed.

"Why do I get the feeling that this isn't something that I'm going to like," Giles said sarcastically.

"Because you're probably not.  Maybe you should sit down Giles and promise me that you won't do anything until I'm finished," replied Willow hesitantly.

"Very well," answered Giles as he took a seat in the chair he'd been sitting in when they entered.

"Ok, here goes...Angel's back.  We wen-" Willow started to explain.

"Dear Lord.  Are you two all right?  Did he threaten you?" Giles almost shouted as he leapt out of his chair and rushed over to the weapons closet.

"Giles, we're fine.  He didn't do anything to us.  You promised that you wouldn't do anything until I finished," stated Willow.

"What?  But?  Fine, fine," relented Giles seeing the look on her face that said she meant business.

"Don't worry Giles, I don't think we're in any danger.  But, ok, well I've been going to the mansion every once in a while just...well, just because.  I went tonight after we stopped researching.  There was a really weird feeling in the air, I don't quite know how to explain it.  But then I heard something else in the room with me.  When I walked over toward it I saw Angel huddled in a corner.  He was shaking and his body was covered in gashes and bruises.  At first I was frozen in fear and shock but then I could tell.  I could tell that I wasn't in any danger because it was Angel that I was looking at and not Angelus.  The curse must have worked after all." Willow finished tears welling in her eyes.

"I don't understand.  How could you know it was Angel and not Angelus?" asked Giles as the shock began to set in.

"I could see it in his eyes.  They were so full of emotion.  And just the way he acted, I knew it was Angel," Will said emphatically and flopped herself down into the chair across from Giles.  Oz went and stood behind her, massaging her tension filled shoulders.

Inside his head, Giles was fighting a mental battle of epic proportions.  The Ripper portion of his brain wanted to seek, find, and destroy the vampire for taking away his Jenny, but the sensible British Watcher in him knew that he couldn't do that.  As much as he hated to admit it to himself, Angel returning from wherever had it usefulness.  Regardless, he had no intention of being stupid.

"Where are you going Giles?" Willow asked.

"To get the crossbow," replied Giles succinctly.

"What? No!  You can't hurt him.  He might be able to help us," Willow almost screamed.

"Yes, I know Willow.  I realize that he may be able to give us some answers.  And as much as I would like to make him suffer, I won't.  At the same time, we can't know for sure who is in control of his actions and we have to take the necessary precautions," Giles said as he gathered a few weapons and bandages in case they were needed.

"We should probably stop and get some blood somewhere," added Oz.

"You're probably right.  Good thinking," responded Giles.

*****************************


	3. Part 3 Coping

Part 3

As the three entered the mansion Giles struggled to fight the anger raging within him.  This was one time that doing the right thing was not something that he wanted to do.  He would do it though.  He had to.

They entered the main room which was now dimly lit by the arriving sunrise.  And it was there that they found the still trembling figure hiding in the corner.  He looked up at them upon hearing them enter.  The sight of the obviously hate filled man holding the cross bow would normally have caused him to run or fight but instead he silently wished that one of the wooden arrows would pierce his heart and end all the pain that he felt inside.

Taking the blood that Oz was holding, Willow walked over to the vampire.  She hoped that he would willingly take it from her and that she wouldn't have to feed him.  The whole blood thing still kinda freaked her out.

"Angel?  We brought you something to eat," whispered Willow.  She saw the look of confusion on his face and knew that he didn't understand why she was doing this for him.

"Drink it, please Angel.  You need to get better and you need to eat to do that.  And we're going to help you.  I know it doesn't make any sense, but please just do it," Willow said as emotion began to overtake her.  This was the first hope they had all had of finding out what had happened between Buffy and Angel that night.  Willow wasn't about to let that one hope slip through their fingers.

"We need to get him upstairs to one of the bedrooms.  This room isn't sun proof anymore," stated Giles, collecting himself and knowing that he had to do this not just for himself but for the others.  The pain in Willow's voice was just too much to ignore and push aside because of his hurt and anger.

Together the three moved Angel upstairs into the most suitable bedroom.  Oz had taken on the job of feeding Angel the blood while Giles obligingly tended to the most serious wounds on his body.  The marks and scars that adorned the vampire were perplexing to Giles.  He couldn't help but wonder where he had received such vicious and current wounds as well as so many visible scars.  Not that he felt bad for him.  They gave him a sort of satisfaction that he reveled in.  Someone had been given the oppurtunity to make him suffer and since Giles was unable to do that himself he was glad that another hadn't been so unlucky.  He tried to push those thoughts aside, though.  When they finished feeding him and bandaging some of the wounds Giles gave him a powerful sedative. For him, it served 2 purpose.  It would help him rest and regain his strength and get them closer to getting some answers but it would also keep him from running off and hurting anyone although he surmised that in his condition Angel wouldn't be harming anyone...for now.

*****************

Inside her favorite club Buffy attempted to play out her nightly routine of dancing, flirting, drugs, and picking out a handsome young man to occupy the rest of her night.  Her mind was elsewhere, though, on this evening.  She'd yet to shake the uneasiness that she'd woken with earlier that day.  It plagued her mind enough to keep her from enjoying environment and the hot sweaty flesh that surrounded her.  She tried her best to ignore it and go about her activities, but it just wasn't working.  Finally, Buffy decided to give up and return to her "home."  Maybe an actual good nights sleep was all she needed.  She pried herself away from several incredibly handsome boys emptily promising to return another night and exited the smoky, deafeningly loud club.

*******************

Staring off into the darkness around the library table sat Giles, Willow and Oz.  It was almost 7:00am.  They'd returned from the mansion about 15 minutes before and none of them had yet to utter a word.  All 3 were lost in thought over the perplexing situation.  On the right sat Oz, his eyes steadily focused on his girlfriend.  Angel's return meant more to her than it ever could to him.  Sitting opposite of Oz was Giles, his face filled with an unusual amount of emotion.  His mind frantically ran through every scenario it could, but his mind kept coming back to a few related thoughts…why was Angel here, now, after all this time….where had he been…and where was Buffy?  The answers he only wished he knew.  And then there was Willow, seated at the end of the table, her feet planted on the front part of the seat, knees pulled up to her chest, and her arms wrapped tightly around. Yet of the 3 she appeared to be the most clear headed.  Her face played host to a resolute look that anyone who knew her would tell you that she knew exactly what to do.  Even though she appeared to be most in control of the 3, her face also showed that she was completely and utterly exhausted.  Realizing this, Giles was the first to finally break the silence.

"Perhaps we should all go home and get some sleep.  There's nothing more we can do at this moment and we certainly can't think with clear heads if we're all overly fatigued.  Besides, the sedative I gave Angel should have him under control until early evening.  So I think its best if get some rest," stated a beleagured Giles.

"Yeah, I guess you're right.  I am kinda tired," relented Willow although the last thing she wanted to do was leave and have to wait longer to find the answers about what was going on.

"Come on Will, we'll stop and get some breakfast and then I'll drop you off at home," offered Oz.

"Ok, food does sound good…Oh wait, what about Xander?  Someone has to tell him and Cordelia what's going on," said Willow slightly frightened at the prospect.

"With school being canceled I can't imagine that Xander will be awake for another few hours.  I'll leave a message on his answering machine to meet us here at 4pm and we can inform him of the situation and find the best way to deal with it," Giles said in his typical watcher/librarian manner of speech.

"Ok, we'll be back at 4 then.  Bye," replied Willow as she turned and left the library with Oz.

************************

Parked along the side of the road sat Oz's blue van.  Inside, Oz watched as Willow devoured several donuts.  With all that had gone on she hadn't realized how hungry she was.  After finishing her fourth donut she sighed and laid her head back against the seat and sat in silence.  Their current crisis left hear weary and confused.

"Will, you need to go in and get some sleep," Oz stated in a concerned voice.

"I know, I just don't want to be alone right now," replied Willow, the strain in her words completely obvious.  "Could you come in and stay with me?" she pleaded.

"What about your parents?" questioned Oz.

"They're out of town at a convention remember," answered Willow.

"Oh yeah, I forgot.  I guess they won't know then if I come in and stay," Oz said sarcastically.

**************************

Willow entered her room after changing into her pajamas in the bathroom.  Oz said quietly on her bed.  She looked over at him and wondered what she had done to deserve such a wonderful boyfriend.  After putting here clothes down on her dresser she went and sat next to her boyfriend.  Exhaustion was taking over her system and all that she could think of was drifting off to sleep with Oz's arms holding here tightly.  She rested her head on his shoulder as she reached out and traced her fingers along the edge of the frame that held a picture of her, Buffy, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia taken last spring.  Oz wrapped his arms around her and slowly laid her down on the bed, softly letting her head hit the pillow as his did.  Within seconds the red headed girl was soundly sleeping soon followed by her cherished boyfriend.

****************************


	4. Part 4 Dreams of yesterday

AN – I didn't feel like going back and getting exact lines from B2, so the references to the show aren't exactly perfect, but you all get the drift and have seen it plenty of times to get whats happening.

Part 4

_**That's it, its time for this skinny little bitch to die.  I've had it with her** thought Angel as he slashed and thrusted at her with the sword.  **A few more hits and I should have her right where I want her…on her knees begging for me not to kill her.  I ought to let her live, let her feel the horrors and suffer greatly for all the trouble she's created**  Swing…kick…jab…**She'll be begging for mercy before I've done even a fraction of what I plan to do to her**  His anger was taking over every corner of his mind.  He didn't even feel the solid blow the Slayer had landed. Suddenly he found himself on his knees in front of the blonde haired bain of his existence.  **If she thinks she's won then sh--… Aaaaaah, what's….happening…no…it can't be…this can't be happening again**  He screamed and fell forward onto the ground._

_He slowly regained some equilibrium.  Looking up he saw the light of his undead life staring down at him, a sword firmly grasped within her beautiful hands._

_"Buffy…where are we?" he asked in a pain filled voice._

_"Angel?" answered the blonde._

_He slowly got to his feet…his whole body felt as if it were laced with lead weights…his brain lost in a sea of confusion.  **I-I can't remember anything…why can't I remember anything.  Why does Buffy look like she's ready to attack me…why does she look like she hates me?**_

_"You're hurt," he stated and then pulled her body into a tight embrace_

_**Oh god it feels so good to hold her.  Her body's so warm and soft.  I don't ever want to let go**_

_"I-I can't remember…everything's so muttled," he said softly._

_**This doesn't make any sense.  What's happened to my memory.  Everything feels so different.  Buffy feels so different.  What's happened…**  A few hazy images began to flash in his mind…talking to Buffy in his apartment…Buffy pointing something that looked like a rocket launcher at him…a woman he recognized as a teacher from Buffy's school lying dead in a bed…a fight in a graveyard…Giles tied to a chair.  **I feel like there's something I should know…nothing makes any sense._

_"I feel like I haven't seen you in months."_

_"Shhhh…close your eyes."_

_He closed his eyes an then felt her lips upon his._

_**She smells so wonderful.  But why does she want my eyes closed?  Why do I have a this feeling that I'm never going to see here again?"  He then felt a searing pain in his chest and looked down to find the sword that Buffy had been holding lodged below his heart._

_"Buffy" he screamed and reached his hand out toward her._

_He felt something pulling him from behind.  He tried to break free but found himself trapped in the position he was in.  **Why?** was all that he could think repeatedly to himself.  And then…more images flashed into his head…but this time they weren't just random images…they were whole series' of events.  **No…oh god no…what have I done?  How could I have-**_

_The whirlpool sucked his body in and closed leaving behind the blonde who was no longer holding a sword._

Buffy sat up with a jolt, sweat pouring down her body.  The dream.  It was the same dream she'd had almost every night since she'd killed him and sent him to hell.  Except that this time it had been different.  Instead of seeing the actual events as they had happened she had seen them through his eyes…felt his pain, his confusion, his love for her, and his hurt when she'd stabbed the sword into his body.  A rush of nausea overwhelmed her.  She leapt out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom, vomiting violently, trying to purge all the feelings that were swirling in here head.

******************************

_**I told them I could kill him, but I don't know if I really can.  He's still Angel, or at least maybe someday he still could be.  How can I kill my soulmate, my lover?**  She wondered as she saw him pull the sword out of Acathla.  Rage and hatred radiated from every pore of his body, his handsome strong body.  She didn't think she could do it.  But she had to.  Especially now.  If not they would all die._

_She lunged at him, attempting blow after blow with the ancient sword.  She tried to keep herself from thinking about the situation and just let herself fight.  **I have to do this.  I can't let the world, my family, my friends suffer because of my feelings.**  She slashed and swung at him.  But suddenly she found herself on the ground in the garden, completely unarmed, with the vicious killer who bore the face of her cherished angel staring menacingly at her.  For a second, just a second she wondered…**Would it be so bad to let it all end, to no longer have to fight anymore** But it was only a second.  She knew she couldn't sacrifice the world to end her pain.  And with a renewed vigor she resumed her attack.  **This is my life, this is what I have to do, I to save the world, again, and I have to kill him**_

_Finally she had the upper hand because there before on her on the ground knelt Angel, her once savior, in a vulernable position.  It was time, and she knew it.  But then, he looked up at her, pain eminating from his eyes._

_"Buffy" she heard his whisper._

_**Oh god, Angel, it can't be….how can this be happening?**  She stared him, heard him speak to her with sadness and confusion in his voice.  She wanted so badly to hold him and tell him she loved him.  Frozen by the turn of events, she just stood there and suddenly felt his arms around her.  Tears flowed freely down her face.  Her eyes suddenly came to rest on the statue in front of her, a swirl of energy beginning to come out of his mouth.  And she knew what she had to do.  She had to kill him, her Angel._

_**How can I do this to him?  I can't lose him again**  But it was her job.  She was the slayer and that meant making sacrifices, never having what she truly wanted. _

_"I love you" she sobbed and the plunged the sword into his chest._

_**He'll never forgive me for doing this, I can never forgive myself.  I killed him**_

"Buffy", he said in a barely audible, strangled voice.

******************************


	5. Part 5 Research, revelations, and deali...

Part 5

Book after book Giles searched but could find nothing to shed light on the recent events.  He'd gone home and slept for a few hours, but all he could think about was finding answers, and hopefully, his Slayer.  So he'd returned to the library and thoroughly gone through his most reliable resources.  But none of them were of any use.  He continued to search though, praying with each turn of a page that the next one might hold the answers he sought.  Page after page after page.  The words were beginning to look like a mass of black lines with no meaning.  He laughed to himself…_that's exactly what they are, useless symbol_…he took his glasses off, running his hands over his face, and then glanced down at his watch.  It was about 3:30pm.  The group would be arriving soon and he had nothing to tell them on the research front.

Giles looked up when he heard the doors to the library open not long after that and saw Willow and Oz enter the room.  They didn't look much more rested than they had when they had left earlier.  Of course, he imagined, he probably looked about the same.  Their current situation wasn't exactly conducive to a peaceful nights sleep.

"Good after noon you two, I hope you were able to get some sleep," asked Giles.

"Yeah, a little, but Angel suddenly reappearing isn't exactly good for the sleein'," stated the red head with a mild bit of sarcasm.  Unfortunately, she hadn't realized that someone else had heard her statement.

"WHAT?!?!," screeched the brown haired boy, rage burning in the pits of his eyes.

"Xander, when did you get here," questioned Willow.  It figured the one time he was early for a meeting he'd walk in on what she'd just said.

"Xander, please, just come in and sit down and we will explain the situation," the librarian said trying to maintain control over the situation.  The one person who hated Angel's alter ego more than him was probably Xander, and he knew this wasn't going to be easy.  The boy was going to want to kill him despite the information he might be able to provide.  As much as he wouldn't mind seeing Angel turned into a pile of dust, he couldn't let it happen.  

"Ok, so there's a homicidal vampire, well all vampires are homicidal but this one even more so, stalking the people of Sunnydale and you want me to sit down and chat about it.  I don't think so.  What he needs is a good old fashioned wooden stake right in his cold, undead heart," Xander said forcefully, almost shouting.

"Xander, shut up and sit down," ordered the beauty queen.  She stared at him, giving him the look that said he better do as she told him.  A smiled formed internally as he begrudgingly did as she asked.

Giles and Willow carefully, and thoroughly explained the previous nights events to the two who had not been witness to them.  Both knew they had to make Xander understand the implications of the vampire's return.  That he might, and hopefully would, be able to provide them with the information they'd so desparately wanted for the last few months.  

During the whole speech, Xander, amazingly, had not said a word.  Rather he just said there, listening to what they were saying and trying not to let his rage take control.  At some point he realized why the others appeared to be happy, in a grotesque sort of way, that his arch enemy, in more than one way, had returned.  Because, it wasn't about him, it was about Buffy.  About what had happened to Buffy.  He'd give anything to see the evil creature of the night turn into a big pile of dust, but he knew it couldn't happen.  Thankfully, for once, his logical side spoke louder than his emotional side.  But that didn't keep a million ways to kill Angel from zipping through his head.  He smirked inwardly at some of the ideas that came to him.  He was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he hadn't realized his friend and, for all intensive puporses, his only father figure had finished speaking and were staring at him.  

"Umm, huh?," he asked, realizing they'd wanted him to say something.

"Are you okay Xander?," said Willow, in her soft best friend voice.

"Yeah, don't worry, I won't stake the evil undead boy, as much as I want, I know, I mean I understand, I get why I can't.  That doesn't mean I have to like it," the boy stated.

"Fine, now that that's settled, there is an immense amount of research that needs to be done, but first I suggest we go to the mansion and check on Angel.  He needs to be and his wounds checked.  And I think it would be best if we kept his sedated until we have a better understanding of the situation.  I don't believe he will hurt anybody, but we can't be sure that he won't, or that he won't run.  Oz, do you suppose we could all go in your van to the mansion?  And we will need to stop for some more blood," the Britism man said.

"Yeah, sure.  We already stopped and got some blood on our way here," replied the currently blonde haired boy.

*********************

The group of 5 stood outside the bedroom where they'd left the vampire earlier that morning.  Some stood there with hope of what the words the vampire would speak could tell them, while others barely managed to hide the rage they felt toward the cold body on the other side of the door.  Regardless, all knew that at the moment it didn't particularly matter what the vampire had done when he was Angelus.  They had to put that aside in order to possibly find their cherished loved one.

"Perhaps it would be better if we all didn't barge in there staring at him.  He seems rather frightened.  I don't think it would help him for us all to go in.  At least not yet.  I need to tend to his wounds.  Oz, would you mind terribly taking on the task of feeding him?" asked Giles.

"No, I think I can handle that," replied the boy in typical monotone fashion.

**********************

A half hour later the two exited the vampires room, showing no sign of being attacked or frightened, which to Xander's eyes, was quite a relief.  It didn't matter that they had told him Angel was not Angelus and wouldn't hurt him.  He would never trust the man, or whatever he was.

"Oz, Giles, how did it go," Willow asked nervously.  

"About as good as could be expected," answered Giles.

"He pretty much didn't move, didn't talk, kinda acted like we weren't there," said Oz.

"You did get him to eat, though, didn't you," questioned the red head.

"That was about all we could get him to do.  I gave him another sedative that should keep him knocked out for quite some time.  As much as I know we need to do research, I think it would be best if we all went home and got some rest.  The three of us especially.  Angel will be fine until tomorrow, and the research can very well wait.  We aren't going to get anything done in the condition we're in.  Oz can drop us all off at our cars at the school and we can meet tomorrow in the library at 2pm," Giles stated.

***********************

TBC – at some point, feedback helps motivate…


	6. Part 6 Waking Up

AN – this is a short part, all narrative that fills in a couple week gap between the major events and what's going to happen next.  I know I should have fleshed Buffy's part out on this a lot more, but doing it this way worked better for me.  So that's just the way it is.

AN2 – Someone, Tariq, asked me to explain why I made Buffy into a tramp, so I thought I'd answer that…I debated on what to do with Buffy, didn't actually intend to have her fallen that far, but it just came out that way.  She's not purposely being a slut, she's just broken.  Having to send Angel to hell with his soul after seeing him lose his soul and torture her was too much and she lost herself.  She was trying to be anyone but Buffy because being Buffy always led to pain.  So she just acted without thinking, played out the life of club hopping teen, and did what they can be found to do.  Don't worry, she'll snap out of it, though…but it won't immediately hit her completely as to all that she'd really done, plus later on she'll explain have to explain to everyone, especially Angel about her actions, and it'll clear up a few things.  I hope that answers your question!

Part 6

The next few weeks passed quickly for the Scooby Gang.  They continued to research and tend to the ensouled vampire.  Angel hadn't made much progress.  His wounds finally healed, and he appeared to be getting stronger.  They finally stopped sedating him after a week when they realized he wasn't a danger to them and he was obviously too weak to do anything.  He had still yet to speak a word to anyone in the group he came into contact with.  And as much as they wanted to force the situation, they realized it wasn't the right thing to do considering his condition.  It was still frustrating, and not just Angel's condition and the lack of information he provided, but also the prophecy they'd yet to decipher.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Buffy found herself fighting an intense emotional and mental battle.  Ever since the dream she'd had of seeing her battle through Angel's eyes things had changed.  The following morning after the dream she'd woken up on the floor of the bathroom, head aching, mouth cottony, and body feeling limp.  When she looked in the mirror that morning, she really saw herself for the first time in months, and the sight was not something she was proud of.  

She tried to remember the past few months, but it all seemed like a blur, like it hadn't really been her that had lived it.  Nothing seemed real and everything felt cold and dead.  There had been lots of clubbing, booze, drugs…and boys, more than a few boys.  God, what had she become, she wondered as she stared at herself in the mirror.  And as she continued to study her appearance, one thought kept permeating her mind.  *Angel would be so disappointed in what I've let myself become.  He wouldn't have wanted this for me*

Buffy spent that day lying in bed, thinking about everything.  The more she thought, the more sickened she became by what she could remember of her actions.  She'd showered 4 times trying wash the dirty feeling off her body, but it wasn't physical dirt that could be washed away with soft and water.  It was emotional dirt that would only fade with time.  Buffy came to a conclusion that day that she had to live, that Angel would have wanted her to.  She had to make amends for what she did to him, honor his memory, and she certainly wasn't doing that by being a drugged up nightclub whore.  

The following week she spent getting herself clean, free of the drugs and alcohol.  She thanked herself daily that she'd never become all that addicted to the substances.  Just used them when they were there, but they were still in her body and needed to be purged.  Once she was feeling a little better physically she quit her job at the sleazy diner and found work at an occult bookstore.  It wasn't exactly her first choice of places to work, but her knowledge on the subject impressed the owner and he paid her well to work there.  

So for Buffy, the weeks passed by as she tried to pull herself back together.  It was a continual struggle not to let herself fall back into the numbness that drugs, booze, and emotionless encounters provided, but she was succeeding so far.  She was determined to make it, if not for herself, then for Angel.  She couldn't let her need to forget the pain to blemish his memory, their memories.

All the while she was doing this, the strange feeling she'd woken up with that one afternoon never left.  It was always there, edging on her consciousness, trying to tell her that there was something important going on.

********************

TBC – at some point, feedback helps motivate…


End file.
